Burnout and Obedience

It has been over two years since my last day as a pastor. What led up to it was simply burnout as a pastor and obedience to Jesus.

Burnout was due to being in a church structure that placed weight on a single pastor to be the answer for the church organization to thrive to a standard of success as bigger is better, and more is better, as fast as we can.

I've been in church life since being in my mom's womb. I came to Christ around 7 years old. I felt called to go into full time vocational ministry when I was 17-18 years old. I got my Bachelors and Masters in ministry. I served in all age groups and by the time I was 33 years old, I had a decade of vocational ministry experience. The typical model of church' strategy is to have a building with budget for staff and programs in order to follow Jesus and helps others follow Jesus.

When I was 27 years old, I came on staff at a church as a family pastor. Back then the church was in a need of revitalization due to lack of people, ministries and money. In 2020, when I was 30 years old, the senior pastor unexpectedly left in the midst of Covid and after my wife and I had our first daughter. I was able to serve as interim pastor for 13 months (which is like trying to play basketball with no hands lol) and then began as senior pastor August 2021. I had hopes and dreams...passions. I tried various things to equip the body and to evangelize the lost. In summer 2022 I tried to take more on myself because I thought that in order to reach the next generation, it would need to start with me. That's a part of the design of the organization I was in. But then in Fall 2022, hurricane Ian hit. As a result, we had great opportunity for ministry but it took a toll on me in addition to conflict between some families which broke my heart. Around that time I started to get emotionally attached to someone and by Gods grace able to repent. Around that time, I also get the f bomb in my office from someone I walked with for years. It was so hard.

I was in a fragile emotional state by the end of October. I remember crying with my wife. I remember crying to God in the shower asking why this was happening. The answer was quick and gentle: to bring you to me.

My wife pointed out to me for about a year, maybe every week, I wanted to quit. I didn't realize it was so long. I tried to be faithful to Jesus no matter the cost, even it cost me in unhealthy ways. I guess that's what I came to believe. And the typical advice you would get from others is be faithful or you’re not cut out for that job.

End of October my wife told me that something needed to change. I thought it was me: doing better, trying harder, delegating better etc. Yes, there's improvement needed for sure but I realized two weeks later or so that what needs to change 80 percent the context I was in and 20% me.

When in ministry, you can’t really get out unless you are a heretic, commit a major sin, or die. It's kind of like Supreme Court in a way. If you quit, then you’re kind of a failure and not faithful, and viewed as going the easy road and giving up. 

In November 2022, I was all over the place. I questioned if I was cut out for lead pastor or need to be associate guy, or maybe yes lead pastor but need to be in healthier context. It was quite overwhelming. Then my wife said something about waiting for about month in December and she put a note on our door which we still have that says “Jesus what’s the next step, I trust you.” So simple. So hard. So freeing.

I remember she wanted to help me with the stress I was facing so she set me up with a massage appointment for my back. But I didn’t enjoy it because my heart was not at peace. I prayed to God on the way back home in my car. It was a raw prayer. Something like “God I will do whatever you want me to do. Stay at this church or go. Transition this church to a decentralized house church network (will talk more about this at some point). God I know you will let me know in your way and timing...I get it...but it would be nice to know.”

Later that night or the next night I woke up. I think my stomach was upset. Thoughts about missional coaching came to my mind which was super clear. It was similar thoughts that I had before I was senior pastor actually. That night I thought it would be good to be connected with a church but didn’t want to do what I’ve always known, so I desired to be involved in house church and reach out to those already doing it. I texted my friend later on and he referred me to two places who I reached out to.

It seemed like for a 2-3 weeks I did not sleep well. I would be up late or get up in middle of night and I would be reflecting, looking at the Scriptures, praying etc. In my pursuit, I actually started to question the typical model of church itself that I have always been a part of: mega church, small, medium.

On the first Saturday morning of January, I spent time summarizing what a disciple was and the church according to Bible and I then took a hard look at my church to see what it looked like compared to the Bible. I realized that the model we had was both hurting us in being faithful to Jesus and fruitful for Jesus. The key question was: am I to be a part of the change to lead this church to a different model so we are more faithful and fruitful? But I did not have the emotional bandwidth to do that and was not the guy.

Also, as I was praying, reflecting, reading the Word over 2-3 weeks...Matthew 16:24 hit home. It's as if Jesus was telling me: let go the title of pastor, the salary, the power, the respect...come follow me and you will experience true life.

I realized yes I would be going to do something different (missional coaching, different model of church), but the most important was a deeper call to come and be with Jesus.

A mistake that I made which I did not realize at the time was that I did all of this reflection on my own without my wife. She knew I was thinking about stuff but not what. On a Sunday evening, I shared with her some thoughts and what I wrote, but it was too much. Next step for that week was to pray and for me to meet with our deacon chairman to let him know what’s going on out of respect for him, knowing a lot would fall on his shoulders. 

I texted him Monday and met with him Monday afternoon. The conversation with him was amazing and edifying. He told me he saw this coming. I asked him when. When he saw my heart for missional communities. He told me that the church would not change. He told to me to not try to play chess, let God do that for the church. If God tells me to jump then jump. He said it would be a wilderness for me and he talked about Joseph. I didn’t want to think that would be case at the time but a 2 years later, yup he was right. 

That night after the girls were in bed, my wife went to a store and I took time to reflect, look at previous journals, texted my brother about a conversation we had in early 20s about discipleship and leadership. There wasn't a magical feeling but a decision based on what I saw God doing, and I decided yeah it’s time to jump and resign that upcoming Sunday. When she got home, I told her that I needed to talk with her. She came and sat down and I told her babe it’s time to skydive (which we use to remind each other of trusting in God) and for me to resign this Sunday. I thought things would go well and she would be on same page and we would have sex that night...haha. Nope haha. She did not take it well. She needed time to process and needed a plan financially so I took time Wednesday morning to figure out a plan. She took time Thursday morning to spend with the Lord and was then ready to jump together. 

I told the deacon chairman and two lay pastors in the church and received support and encouragement. I met with key leaders Saturday morning to let them know. And it was a shocker to them, which makes sense. Some wanted me to try bi-vocational and if what I wanted to do could happen here. It was tough, but I said no and would let them know if something changes. One of people there was quite upset and said that it was Satan's work. He and I sought peace after the meeting.

Sunday I intentionally preached from Matthew 16 about following Jesus to prepare the church for the announcement. Someone once told me, it’s easier to relax and open hand than close it. In other words surrender to Jesus is better than control. After I shared about my resignation, overall people were sad and many came up and gave us hugs after. At the end of service, deacon chairman and I think the deacons prayed over us as a sending us out, though I still had 4 more weeks left according to bylaws.

Those last 4 weeks were like pulling a band aid off slowly. It was painfully slow. I had less and less to do. I still planned to preach in Revelation though I was leaving, which I believe was a part of God's providence. I did whatever I could to help the church be in a good spot with the training of bulletin, materials on USB, cleaning office etc. I remember as I cleaned out my office and loaded things in my car, I said this is crazy. It really was. I had no job lined up, though my wife had a job. I had a 2.5 year old and a 8 month old.

On my last Sunday the church overall was very loving and generous which I praise God for.

So why did I resign? Burnout and obedience. Being in a place of burnout, got my attention and to go to the Lord. God used the time of seeking him to surprisingly lead me to not only quit being a pastor at the specific church I was at but go a completely new direction with him and to obey Him no matter the cost. Jesus is worthy and worth it.

I don't know who may read this but if you are experiencing burnout and/or questioning the typical model of church, love to talk with you. Email me at pastor2barista@gmail.com

Here's some questions for reflection:

1. If Jesus told you to resign, would you? Why or why not?

2. If you did or did not, what would the cost be and the reward be?